So Insecure

I feel a burst of anxiety right before I go out of my comfort zone, and a lot of the time I feel it afterwards to, in the midst of puting myself out there.

I really don’t know how I deal with it (sometimes I don’t, at least, not very well… I mean, I haven’t been posting very much lately, have I…). I think it’s mostly cause I’m stubborn. That, and I get angry with myself. A lot of the time I just get fed up with jumping at shadows (not doing things or saying things cause I might not be) and letting my fear cripple me, and I just decide, “fuck it, let’s see what happens.” This might happen, that might happen, I might not be worth listening to… but there’s only one way to find out. I make a plunge, sometimes small, sometimes big.

Insecure? Yes. The thing is insecurity only holds me back if I allow it to. It’s a feeling that has something to say to me, and I don’t do myself any favors in ignoring it; but there’s a difference between letting it have it’s say vs. dictating what I’m going to do. The same goes for fear, and for anxiety. I try to listen to them as best I can, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them or let them make my decisions for me.

And it’s not like I always do this… I come up short in this more often than I’d like to admit – to anybody, and to myself. But the fact that I’m not perfect doesn’t invalidate the approach. Hypocrisy in this doesn’t necessarily mean I should just shut up about it. What it does mean is that it’d do me some good to follow my own sentiments a little better.

I want it to be clear that I fail to “just do it” sometimes, but it doesn’t change this: I know full well that I’m better off and that I can actually learn and take away from the experience if I actually have an experience to learn from.

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