Masks & Composure

“Masks are a relic of the past when it comes to conveying what my path is all about. So is aloofness, escapism, playing the victim, forsaking compassion, and so on. As is the shrewd selection of ‘proper’ friends. I do not “pick my company wisely”. I interact with people in the world around me, and I contaminate them; not the other way around.”
~Me

You know, my view of masks hasn’t really changed much – if at all – from when I wrote the above in my online journal. Something that occured to me the same day I wrote it though: people might think I wear a mask, because what goes on within me can’t always be seen by other people; at least, not easily.

Of course, this is when I’m at my best, but still… when I feel an emotion stirring, there’s not always a visible expression of it that other people can see.

I’ve seen mentions of something similar about Miles, that his subtle nuances and inner workings are harder to pick up on unless he points them out – I’m paraphrasing, and whether or not he would agree, the idea of it fits in pretty well with my line of thought. I remember Ashton had started a thread a while back to, entitled Composure if memory serves.

The first Thursday of every month, there’s an association Board Meeting that I’m almost always at. A few of the board members aren’t very fond of me, especially the high-and-mighty college proffesor (the guy has a habit of talking down to people, and likes to appear smart more than he likes to be smart).

Anyways, the reason I mention it is that I have a tendency – regardless of the fact that I’m not a homeowner and technically don’t have a say – to call people on their bullshit when they try to spin things, to point out things that are overlooked, and to be pretty short and precise in what I say. The educated idiot I mentioned gets a metaphorical knife slid into his kidney from me every now and then.

Going back to when I started going to these meetings, I often felt anxious about speaking up or challenging people. My values and conduct – being forged and evolving through the FA’s training program at the time – came from and bled back into every nook and cranny of my everyday life. Kind of a circular, self-perputuating cycle of development due to incorporation and synthesis (as opposed to separation, categorization, disassociation, and masks). So, anxiety didn’t (and doesn’t) really stop me.

Further though, people have a harder time seeing it. And it’s not that I waste energy trying to hide my feelings and emotions – though sometimes I choose not to express it in a conventional, recognizable way – it’s that it’s more difficult for imperceptive people to see. Am I wearing a mask just because you can’t see my true face? Not necessarily. Masks, as I understand them to be, are still a relic of the past.

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