Along the same lines of an entry I quoted from an old, hand-written journal of mine in Follow the Leader, I’m reminded of something Miles noted about my inner conflicts a while back relating to one of my (online) journal entries (it was either months or years ago… oddly though, it feels like a lifetime ago). He’d commented that I was basically having a hard time coming to terms with the “responsibilities of success”. *shrugs* I’m actually rather partial to that line of thought. I think it was some time before Miles chimed in that Luciana noted the presence of internal struggle as a prominent occurence within my journal there, which was also a mentioned in Miles’ observations.
Which brings me to what Miles called “responsibilities of success”. He’d said, “Your achievement of Knight status at the FA is more a focal point bringing the internal struggle more to a head.” Maybe it did, around the time I was formally recognized as a Dark Knight. But if that was the case then, my claim to the grandiose title of Dark Master last December marked the beginnings of subversive, insidious, and far more interesting manifestations of that inner conflict (some anyways, though there’s more to it than just that). It’s something I’m mindful of now, and something I use to further my agenda.
That the internal struggle, the flickering, dancing flames of my inner conflicts, was mentioned… I really liked that it was visible. Hell, like I said in response to Luciana’s reference to it, “…considering the source, considering that internal conflict is an integral part of living in my eyes, I liked reading that.”(OotS Journal, Aug. 24th, 2010). In fact, that inner friction, unstable and erratic though it may be at times, has always been one of the sources of my progression and growth. The difference between then and now is that I’m far better at harnessing and guiding the maelstrom within.
Strange, some of the changes I’ve gone through.