A Bit About Conflict

(Written December 29th, 2010)

“I personaly have based the majority of my whole body of work around conflict. It is a sacred process for me. I find it similar to a source of meditation, a path to gnosis. It is where I find my center, the eye of the storm so to speak.”
~Khaos

I find myself heavily influenced by Khaos, so yeah, I’m quoting him. But much as I feel I’m entitled to my idols, this is more an instance of agreement than of being influenced.

I have a passion for conflict itself. Intellectual, cold debate (that’s never as cold as it seems, since people take the time to post coherent posts that are a tedious read); Mindful, fiery discussion (maybe my favorite, the most enjoyable, when passion and reason are married, when one supports the other); childish name calling, indignation, all passion no reason. It can all be milked to the last drop, it can all be passed through and learned from.

Hierarchy? I don’t know. I think ‘high’ level intellectual debates and ‘low’ level mud slinging are in fact on the same level. So you’ve excelled at being in touch with your feelings, and you express them? Well done, but that’s not even the half of it. Or you’ve excelled at the employment of logic and reason, and you know how to use them effectively? Good for you, but that’s not even the half of it either.

The one is living and feral;
The other, dead and sterile.

Apart, they’re less than half the picture. Together though, in the synthesis that comes of marriage the picture painted is so much more than the sum of its parts.

If you know where to look, most well remembered pathwalkers have said something to this effect. If memory serves, the relationship of “head” and “heart” is even encouraged in the Dark Training here at the FA.

The time for silence as I have experienced is passed. I really don’t have any intentions of inciting drama for the fun of it (though maybe you shouldn’t assume I won’t), but over the past two or three weeks, I’ve come to terms with something. Immersion in conflict, thriving on pain, being actively engaged with my emotions and with others, stryfe… these are all a part of who I am, and they’re not aspects I’m dissatisfied with or ashamed of.

I’m ok with the fact that I’m at my best when I have to struggle, when I have to work through pain, when I have to fight. It’s me. If I have to shift my focus towards breaking chains as opposed to focusing on what I’m fighting for sometimes, then so be it. If I have to shift again, I will. Back and forth. If that’s what it takes to move forward, if that’s who I am, that’s me.

~ From my Training Holocron at the FA

(Written December 29th, 2010)

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