Larger Than Life

Not long after Khaos stepped down and I became Head of the FA’s Dark Aspect, I had the dark training forums changed back to only being visible to dark students, knights, and masters (instead of allowing anyone, even guests of the forum without an account, to view it and look through as they please). Following that, I tucked my training holocron away to a place only visible to members of the Council, and in May I removed one of the earlier posts in my public holocron at the FA, one of a personal experience of being held at gunpoint.

With the Dark Training forums, I wrote a bit about that at the time…

“The Dark Forums for training… the general populace of the FA can kiss their access to that goodbye. The tactic of showing all our cards and being uber transparent just hasn’t worked. And no, it’s not really because the former Head fell short, but because he was to fucking good. None of the other members can ‘one up’ the Darkies. I’m thinking in this area, and others, a resurgence of good old cliche mystique, secrecy, and subterfuge is in order. Every prospective student acted like a child, to young to handle what we gave them, so I’m taking it away.”
(Excerpt | A Dark Blurb)

I feel a lot less accusatory at the moment, but that partially explains why I intend them to stay private to members of the Dark… that, plus members of the other aspects don’t necessarily deserve access to it, and all that such access would entail.

I suppose there are parallels between that and putting my holocron in a place where very few can see it, but it doesn’t entirely explain the “why” behind my decision to do so. A large part of it is that who I am as a person, my birth name, my occupation, my relations to family and friends (and the dynamics to be found therin) shouldn’t eclipse or take away from who I really am, what I am doing here, and where your focus should be… when personal things like that become the focus for an extended period of time, it becomes unnecessary and breeds petty conflicts and criticisms.

“Who I am is not important, my message is.”
~Darth Revan

When I was putting Khaos’s training program to use as a student, opening up, laying out more personal details, revealing these things that makes me seem more like a person you could relate to, more human, more the average guy… in essence, I became “just a man” in a lot of ways that eventually came to affect conversations in a costly way, particularly in arguments with Draeth and Smite, two members I’ve worked pretty closely with over the last couple of years. And it was in arguments like those that I came to realize how important it was [could be] to cast aside this “I’m only human, just like you” veneer I’d apparently come to wear.

It’s not about what kind of business I own, it’s not about my socio-economic status, it’s not about the last woman I was in love with and how badly that went, or the various petty inferences or assumptions one can make based on such things. That’s not what discussions of leadership, or the Dark Aspect, or practices found within the Dark, or even discussions about me should pertain to. But that’s what it came to for awhile, and that took away from something Luciana described once… The Enchantment, something we lost touch with and something that deserved to be brought back, revitalized.

(Written June 18th, 2012 | Notes | Idle Thoughts)

Additional Thoughts/Sidenotes (Added ?-?-12): “I’m only human,” or even, “I’m so human” isn’t something I feel is good enough for the light or the dark. The light should be inhuman people, in a way that they deem good but that I can talk shit about all day. Just because Jedi actually being Jedi gives some people an opening to criticize doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be Jedi. And Darksiders (Sith or otherwise) settling for and exalting the human condition as is? That’s the starting point, I’m more human than human.

Advertisements

5 comments

  1. Ive never liked that quote of Revans. I would say that people who think the message is more important then the source it came from are dizzingly naive. In fact that kind of thinking has led masses of people to do acts of extreme stupidity. Its akin to Christians satin “God wills it “.

    That said, yes the Dark becames like a bunch of men crying at an AA meeting for a time. However this has less to do with what they shared then with how they chose to share it and confront it. Which was simply, as a man. Hence they couldn’t reconcile that others made more of themselves with there experiences.

    I like to think I have found a nice combination of mystique and realism. Kind of like a rockstar in a way and yes I know how aggrandizing it sounds. However I think you shoukd go big or go home.

    Still noone will be more or less than just a man (or woman) to me no matter how cool they sound.

    That doesn’t mean you cant be great however. Ordinary men, have Proven themselves of extrodinary feats throughout history.

    That’s why while I agree with dreaming big, only do so if your going to reach for it. There’s nothing wrong with being just a man, but I would say there’s something extremely wrong with settling for ordinary.

    1. Actually, before (and, to a lesser extent, even now) I never liked that quote either. To me it kind of implies that the individual isn’t as important in the scheme of things, which is something I think it’s absolute, utter bullshit. I don’t know if you say where I quoted you, but it’s something I’ve expressed myself over and over before (“You’ve enabled weakness within the individual for the sake of the whole, and now the whole is made up of weak individuals.”~Khaos). The idea that encouraging a strong community at the cost of strong individuals leads to a weaker community.

      I’ll tell you this much though, if pretending I don’t matter as much as I do is an effective lie I think it’s one worth selling (to certain people). You’ve pointed out something to… William (I think?) a while ago with a quote from Batman… “Theatricality and deception are powerful agents to the uninitiated. But we are initiated, aren’t we Bruce?”~Bane Don’t forget they’re still useful when dealing with the uninitiated… I think anyone considering most other members of the FA as “initiated” would be giving them to much credit. (I’d defend most of it in the same way I would my use of the term “dark side”.)But really, what it comes down to is that the above is slightly outdated, a fun thing to post in that it kind of traces the origins and early stages of some of the things I’ve put into practice, and anything I’ve said in the above was articulated way better in latter notes, posts, etc.

      “I like to think I have found a nice combination of mystique and realism. Kind of like a rockstar in a way and yes I know how aggrandizing it sounds. However I think you shoukd go big or go home.

      Still noone will be more or less than just a man (or woman) to me no matter how cool they sound.”

      I agree with that to some extent. No one will be more or less than just a man… *to you*. Not everyone has a) such keen perception or b) the same use, role, or value in relation to me or my ambitions. There’s a few reasons I don’t resent mediocre people as much as I used to; one of them is because they have their uses.

  2. Then your not larger than life, your just pretending to be, in which I think that was the core princible in the “down to earth” method. Keep your feet on the ground and your head in the clouds and all.

    Its just that people seemded to think that meant dream small because ill be able to accomplish small things, and accomplishment became the comfort zone.

    Sith should want victory, but not compromise there dreams for the cheaper victories( which is why im against just survival) because of a fear of failure.

    1. “Then your not larger than life, your just pretending to be, in which I think that was the core princible in the “down to earth” method. Keep your feet on the ground and your head in the clouds and all.”

      Ah, but how many people really need to *see* my feet on the ground? Just because not everyone can tell for sure whether they’re always there doesn’t mean they’re not, it just means they can’t be sure. See, I don’t need people to check for me to see I’ve floated off. If I ever do, I’m sure it will be obvious enough to the ones able to spot such things (the ‘initiated’, shall we say?).

      Additonally, there is no burden of proof that falls on me for showing where I am, how I got there, how I am changing, or anything else, except to certain key individuals when and where I choose to.

      Accountability to others only goes so far, after all. I’m sure if I pushed hard enough in the right way, or if enough people thought I was off my rocker or incomptent, I could get myself removed from my position at the FA somehow, or something along those lines… but I’m experienced enough in my life and how to live it mindfully and passionately that I don’t have the same need or desire to have anybody helping me to check myself except for the best of us (and you/they don’t need much to work with in my expeirence in order to spot when someone is missing something, screwing up, or being a total fraud).

      That’s not to say it’s not a useful stage of development, or that because I am not (at least currently) in it or a role that necessarily asks it of me in the same sense, that I don’t see the merit of it. But just like anything else, the “groundedness” has its traps and costs. Just as my more… deceptive approach has upsides and downsides. I try to shift as needed, but I think it’s fair to say I have a tendency/preference for the latter, and the mindfullness not to indulge in it to the point of negating or excluding having my feet on the ground most of the time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s