Not long after Khaos stepped down and I became Head of the FA’s Dark Aspect, I had the dark training forums changed back to only being visible to dark students, knights, and masters (instead of allowing anyone, even guests of the forum without an account, to view it and look through as they please). Following that, I tucked my training holocron away to a place only visible to members of the Council, and in May I removed one of the earlier posts in my public holocron at the FA, one of a personal experience of being held at gunpoint.
With the Dark Training forums, I wrote a bit about that at the time…
“The Dark Forums for training… the general populace of the FA can kiss their access to that goodbye. The tactic of showing all our cards and being uber transparent just hasn’t worked. And no, it’s not really because the former Head fell short, but because he was to fucking good. None of the other members can ‘one up’ the Darkies. I’m thinking in this area, and others, a resurgence of good old cliche mystique, secrecy, and subterfuge is in order. Every prospective student acted like a child, to young to handle what we gave them, so I’m taking it away.”
(Excerpt | A Dark Blurb)
I feel a lot less accusatory at the moment, but that partially explains why I intend them to stay private to members of the Dark… that, plus members of the other aspects don’t necessarily deserve access to it, and all that such access would entail.
I suppose there are parallels between that and putting my holocron in a place where very few can see it, but it doesn’t entirely explain the “why” behind my decision to do so. A large part of it is that who I am as a person, my birth name, my occupation, my relations to family and friends (and the dynamics to be found therin) shouldn’t eclipse or take away from who I really am, what I am doing here, and where your focus should be… when personal things like that become the focus for an extended period of time, it becomes unnecessary and breeds petty conflicts and criticisms.
“Who I am is not important, my message is.”
When I was putting Khaos’s training program to use as a student, opening up, laying out more personal details, revealing these things that makes me seem more like a person you could relate to, more human, more the average guy… in essence, I became “just a man” in a lot of ways that eventually came to affect conversations in a costly way, particularly in arguments with Draeth and Smite, two members I’ve worked pretty closely with over the last couple of years. And it was in arguments like those that I came to realize how important it was [could be] to cast aside this “I’m only human, just like you” veneer I’d apparently come to wear.
It’s not about what kind of business I own, it’s not about my socio-economic status, it’s not about the last woman I was in love with and how badly that went, or the various petty inferences or assumptions one can make based on such things. That’s not what discussions of leadership, or the Dark Aspect, or practices found within the Dark, or even discussions about me should pertain to. But that’s what it came to for awhile, and that took away from something Luciana described once… The Enchantment, something we lost touch with and something that deserved to be brought back, revitalized.
(Written June 18th, 2012 | Notes | Idle Thoughts)
Additional Thoughts/Sidenotes (Added ?-?-12): “I’m only human,” or even, “I’m so human” isn’t something I feel is good enough for the light or the dark. The light should be inhuman people, in a way that they deem good but that I can talk shit about all day. Just because Jedi actually being Jedi gives some people an opening to criticize doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be Jedi. And Darksiders (Sith or otherwise) settling for and exalting the human condition as is? That’s the starting point, I’m more human than human.