Another page is up, at least for now. It’s gone through a lot of changes so far, in structure and title, but what it is right now is decent enough to be a published starting point. I think at this point I should tell you something about things here, something that is easier to see, in how it applies to the new pages I’ve added and the ones I might still put up, than it is in anything else here, posts, essays, whatever. It’s all a work in progress. The things are only ‘good enough to post’, but I leave myself the option to come back to them wherever and whenever I please. I think that’s important to get across, you shouldn’t take what an opinion I express or a stance I take as my final word on the subject, because a lot of the time right after I post something “current” I’ve written, I’m already churning through ways I can clarify something I just posted.
When I post something old, it’s because it didn’t seem to come across clearly enough and I got tired of it, but eventually came back, re-read it, and figured “fuck it, I’ll just hit the ‘publish’ button”, which is something I’m just kind of sick of doing. So that’s where my attempt to communicate the ‘work in progress’ nature of my posts and writings here come in; I’d kind of like to start saying what I want to say in the moment, and letting it stand. Returning to it or clarifying when or if I want to. It’s a habit I got back into in that blog I started under a different name (you know, the one I keep mentioning lately but never tell you the name of). Part of the reason I hadn’t been doing that much before I stopped visiting here and everywhere else I usually haunt online… was out of one of my few remaining insecurities.
See, I tend to think of it like this: an artist is only as good as his latest work (in the eyes of most onlookers). And for some reason I can’t seem to fathom, my self-consciousness emerges for it a lot. The idea that “this is all I’ve got right now, and it’s not what I think I want it to be, it’s no ‘good enough” in my eyes’ starts gnawing at me sometimes. I have periods where it subsides, like right now, but that’s one of the reasons I post old stuff. Not that it should overshadow others, like my penchant for trying to give a greater context to my entire progression (of thought and/or personal development) over time, or that I’m simply uninspired at the time. But it’s still one factor that plays a part often enough for me to feel the need to mention. One of the perks of posting something that was written a month ago is that it’s crystal fucking clear that it’s not ‘up to date’. Hopefully, fresher writings can be taken in a similar way to that.
I’m not sure if this post is addressed more to anyone that might read stuff here, or to myself. I’m gonna go with both. This is more for me right here though: don’t worry, if I didn’t say something the way I wanted to, or want to hit on another angle of it, there ain’t a single goddamn things stopping me from doing so. You know now that I say that… I think part of what’s at play with my occasional insecurity is that if people leave me alone, I can do it at my leisure, whereas if someone asks me, questions me, or criticizes me, I feel obligated to do it then or I feel like I’m snubbing him/her/whoever. Not sure why snubbing someone would bother me… but, umm, yeah, that’s an interesting aspect of it that just bubbled to the surface of my mind. On the flip side though, I’m afraid of letting that get the best of me because I know full well the benefit of such poking, prodding, and prompting.
This fragment is dragging on though, and I’m getting baffled by self-reflections and bored with circling around the point I had here, which is that you should take everything I say as a ‘work in progress’ in that it’s subject to change, refinement, and clarification. And concerning my little bout of introspection just now… well, let’s just say I’m conflicted and leave it at that for now.