I struggle with making connections. Even that simple statement has sent me spiraling off into all the different things I can – and on some levels, do – mean by that. But let me explain what I had in mind when that, and the essence of what I want to say was, occurred to me. I start to say something, or write something (especially with writing), and then my mind just keeps going, expanding to all the different things my point, stance, or whatever relates to, and I feel the compulsion to at least give mention to them. It’s not so much that I have trouble staying on point either, though that happens from time to time to. It has more to do with my quickly becoming overwhelmed because of feeling compelled to include all the divergences and how they connect. It expands the scope of what I try to get across or simply want to articulate and the heart of the matter gets lost in all the webbing.
It often gets so bad that by the end of an attempt to communicate or create something with clarity, I’m not even sure if the heart of the matter is still there, or if its obscured by all the baggage I saddled it with. And it’s not even what I’d describe as a habit; not exactly. It’s more like one of those things you can look at as either a curse or a gift. The former, most of the time (or so it would seem), and the latter when I’m firing on all cylinders, at my best, feeling fresh, sharp, and centered. It’s a big part of why I tend to widen my scope of my view to much when it comes to looking at most things… at existence, goals, meaning, motivation – when you look at the “bigger picture” with things like this, nothing matters, so this abyss of meaninglessness is something I’ve wasted a lot of my life coping with instead of disregarding.
I can’t help but look at it; it comes with the territory of being me and seeing things the way I do. Granted it’s not a hang up for me so much anymore, but it still constitutes a waste of my time and energy. It’s so yawning, big, that it seems to have taken me years to truly wrap my head around the irrelevance of what’s probably an objectively meaningless existence to someone that does in fact exist, whether it means something on the grand scale or not. This is why I hate playing the glass bead game. Though it probably would have been, no, would be a good exercise in learning to deal with this aspect of my nature effectively, and to reign it down into something valuable to the scope of reality I inhabit, the idea of doing something on purpose when I’m confronted with it constantly anyways seems like a shitty, dreadful fucking thing to do. It’s just a total turn off.
But in becoming ‘at home’ with who, what, and how I am over the years (particularly the last few) I have found that practice makes for evolution, and gaining experience goes a long ways in becoming more effective. Take the words you’re reading at this very moment as an example of it; what I want to put into words here is that I’m wired to make connections, so much so that it makes the most basic of connections difficult. I’m not really sure how many other people struggle with this (some people are just stupid 😀 , lol I kid… mostly) but I can tell you this much: the struggle itself is a part of the fun, and learning to enjoy it goes a long ways in not going absolutely batshit crazy, deflated, or depressed over it. As you can plainly see by now, when I said I struggled with connection in the opening line here I wasn’t referring to an inability to make them, though it could easily have been the start of such a statement.
I only meant that perceiving and drawing connections – especially intellectually – comes easily to me, so easily that when my mind is abuzz with the networking of this thing and that it’s hard keep from feeling overwhelmed by it sometimes. None of this speaks to the contrasting struggle I encounter, those times I agonize over having nothing of substance or meaning to say, but I’ve started to learn how, if I want to explore another angle to it, I can just do it in another post or forget about all the other shit I could have added here instead of convoluting my very simple focus in this post; all so that it is less daunting to me, more enjoyable, and satisfyingly over with until such time that I decide to blather on more about it. Plus there’s the fact that I don’t mind if the heart of the matter at hand gets lost every now and then anymore, because the words and ideas might still serve as a question mark, something to get you thinking if you elect to read through it.